Criminal Carol: Donny Gets a Visit from Three Ghosts
By John Sammon
12-7-2015
Donald Trump is sitting on a toilet seat in the White House in the same spot where Abraham Lincoln used to sit.
How he misses his Florida palace with its golden toilet seats, solid gold 14 karat. He will have the White House toilet seats converted to gold.
“What a screwed up old dump this place (White House) is,” Trump tells himself. “Lots of old rooms with sh’t furniture, floors that creak when you walk on them and paintings of old guys most of them losers (former presidents), except for Andrew Jackson. I ought to tear the rest of this White House down and build my own version.”
Trump thinks Andrew Jackson was cool. Jackson wiped out the Cherokees and beat a guy to death on the front lawn of the White House (this last part is historically inaccurate but Trump doesn’t know American history).
“I’m too good to be living here,” Trump tells himself.
(He has an ever-moist sense of self-pity).
Trump goes to bed alone.
He hears a rattling at the door and sees a light. A ghost enters wearing chains.
“Who the F are you?” Trump says.
“I am the Ghost of Misbehavior Past,” the ghost wails.
“Get the F out of here.”
“Make me!” The ghost wails.
“Okay.” Trump hops out of bed and raises his fists. Trumps fancies himself a boxer. He once put the body of actor Sylvester Stallone from a movie called Rocky, another fictional boxer, a photo copy, and transposed Stallone’s body over his own fat body, to send it out as a tweet.
Trump throws a punch. It goes right through the ghost to no effect.
“Wait a minute! Don’t I recognize you?” Trump asks in astonishment. “Yes, Jeffrey, it’s you (Jeffrey Epstein). I thought you were dead.”
“I am.”
“Why are you wearing all those chains?”
The ghost screams and rattles his chains. “They are the chains I forged in life. Sit down and shut up!” the ghost yells.
Trump obeys.
“Remember that scam college you founded, Trump University?” the ghost asks.
“It was not a scam,” Trump yells.
“Using the word university, when it was not certified to be a university.”
“It…trained….winners!” Trump yells and stands up.
“Shut up!”
“Yes sir.” Trump sits back down.
The ghost scowls, again rattles his chains and says.
“Illegal business practices, false claims, taxes avoided; and that was just the beginning. As President, brutal conduct, denying poor children food stamps at the holidays, rewarding the ultra-rich, weaponizing the U.S. Justice Dept. to go after political opponents, and that’s only a part of it, destroying the nation’s economy with tariffs whose destructive impact you don’t understand.”
“Yes, but Jeffrey, we had fun together,” Trump says sheepishly. “You were always good with the girls.”
“I should have been bad with the girls!” The ghost screams, meaning he should have avoided them.
“Yeah, but you were, bad,” Trump says with a shrug.
The ghost nods. “Oh, that’s right, I was. I did like you, give nothing, promise everything, slash and grab all I can. You’ll have your own set of chains to wear come next year.”
“Me?” Trump points to himself. “I’m the most mistreated president in history.”
“Mark my words Donald. You will next be visited by the Ghost of Endless Lies.”
The Ghost of Misbehavior Past fades through a wall. Trump goes back to bed.
“Loser,” he mumbles to himself.
Another ghost appears. “I am the Ghost of Endless Lies.”
“Oh c’mon man!” Trump whines.
The ghost points a finger and smiles.
The ghost says, “So Obama was born in Kenya, COVID-19 won’t come here. It’s only like the flu. Drinking disinfectant knocks the coronavirus out. Only a thousand dead a day in the U.S. is progress; the lowest in several categories of death worldwide. Nazis and Klansmen are fine people. Joe Biden was spying on you. There was no collusion with Russia. Mail-in voting is rigged.
Our economy is because of you the best in the world. More people attended your inauguration than any president….Donald, you lie all the time about everything, and if you ever caught yourself telling the truth, it would only be because of a slip of the tongue, an accident.”
“It is what it is!” Trump yells.
The ghost nods. “You’re right, a crook in the White House. That’s the first truthful thing… that you haven’t said.”
“The truth is whatever I say it is,” Trump tells the ghost. “If I say up is down, it is, now get out of here.”
The ghost points a finger. “I will, but take ye heed. You will next be visited by the Ghost of, All-Out-of-Options Future.”
The Ghost of Endless Lies disappears.
Trump goes back to bed. He mumbles. “Liberal traitor!”
Another ghost appears.
“I am the Ghost of All-Out-Of-Options Future.”
The ghost waves a hand. Trump and the ghost are flying through the air.
Trump finds himself in jail. Next to him sits Pete Hegseth (former U.S. Secretary of Defense).
“You sonofabitch!” Hegseth says.
“How dare you say that to me?” Trump snarls.
“It’s easy!” Hegseth says.
“Why are you angry at me?” Trump says.
“We were dropping bombs on targets in Venezuela without knowing who they were in violation of the Constitution which says one is presumed innocent until proven guilty.…and then the war that followed. I was only following your orders. I need a drink.”
Trump nodded. “Yes, but it (Venezuela War) helped to quiet the Epstein files thing. Don’t worry though, I’ll get out of here, run for reelection, win a third term and pardon you.”
A week passes.
Trump complains to a guard. “How come I never get any mail?”
“Maybe your wife doesn’t feel like writing,” the guard says with a smile. The guard leaves.
Later, Trump begins to rattle on the cell bars with a tin drinking cup.
“Will you guys hold it down?” Someone yells.
“Who’s that?” Trump asks Hegseth.
Hegseth answers, “Rudy Guiliani.” (Faced criminal charges in Arizona including attempts to overturn the 2020 election). “He’s in the cell next door.”
John Sammon is an author, actor (General Hospital, It Lives Again, Deathsport) and film narrator (Smithsonian Award winner….American Indian Baskets). He is a member of no political party.
Photo – Courtesy of Vecteezy.com
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